I find myself forgetting, at times — things I have already learned. Sometimes I learn the same thing more than once and I use that term loosely, because once can be anywhere from actually once to millions of times and then some. What I am trying to wrap my head around is why, as a flawed human; I forget things so easily and head down the same path over and over again?
I feel the same feelings, I know what they are and where they come from. I know the truth and what is really going on, but yet — and still — I walk the wrong way with huge red stop signs, caution cliff ahead signs, dangerous curves ahead signs, etc — and still. I know the end results and nothing positive will happen. I’ll be stuck in this deep dark forest trying desperately to find my way out and knowing that it was me, I put myself there. I chose to walk that path, all the while knowing which one I should have taken instead. I cry and feel miserable — have myself a wonderful pity party and vent — and start all over again.
Am I too blame for it all, I guess that would depend on if you like playing the blame game, which is as old as Adam and Eve —
Adam: “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”
Eve: “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.”
It is so much easier to blame someone else “he made me mad”; you know the song and dance. No one wants to admit any wrong doing, no one wants to accept the idea that, you have agency and YOU choose how you react — Y O U. No one made you do anything or react in any way. You made the conscious decision to say or do whatever you wanted. My Bishop counseled me about this and yes, I got angry with him, but what he said was true.
The only thing I am in complete control of is myself, that’s it. People at work, people at home; even my husband — none of us are perfect — These people do things that irritate me and hurt me and upset me; all of us, yes ALL OF US have experienced the natural man. Even now, it does anger me to know that I can choose to react or I can choose not to react — that is all ME and MY choices. To know that I can still be happy or I can choose to be angry. That’s the real “witch” of it, ya know? Needing to have self-control and not get angry — being perfect like Christ. Those shoes are very hard to follow, but he is our example. Perhaps I have found my answer already — I am a flawed human and perhaps because of this, that is why I forget and choose the wrong path; every path but the one, straight and narrow because that requires a flawed person to be perfect like Christ. To choose the right — no matter how hard or annoying or hurtful. To choose what is right because it is what Christ would do.
If there is a blame game — the only one to blame is myself and I even cringe to type that and even admit that. As a flawed human, I want those who have, I feel, wronged me to apologize and to acknowledge wrong doing on their part. In reality, I only need to control one thing, Me. The natural man in me cringes. Just the thought of, someone getting the better of me and hurting me; then turning my other cheek just have to them slap it again. What?! Are you kidding me? My reaction and/or action are the only things I will answer for. I won’t answer for anyone else. Just ME.
When you think about it though, isn’t easier to just worry about one person? Because in all reality just keeping yourself in check is hard enough let alone trying to make sure everyone is in check. So, is it a blessing that Heavenly Father wants us to keep our ducks in a row and let everyone else keep their own ducks in a row?
What we lack, he’ll make up for. Looking at it that way puts a new perspective on it and it seems a little easier to swallow. As long as I keep MYSELF on the straight and narrow; doing what I know I should be doing — then I’m on the right path. Each and everyone us is responsible for one person — ourselves. Heavenly Father gave us free will to choose and make up our minds; to have complete and full control. All of a sudden a quote popped into my head, “With great power comes great responsibility”; it is a great power to have complete and full control over something — every decision we make not only affects us, but everyone around us in one way or another and we have to make the right choices and do the right thing — the hard thing.
So I pick myself up and start over. Maybe for the first time or the millionth time. Will I forget, yes. Will I make the bad choice, yes. Am I perfect HA! Not even close — but I will repent, pick myself up and try, try again. Only time one fails is when they give up. Endure until the end.